Humor on the way to Heaven?
Humor on the way to Heaven?
Humor on the way to Heaven?

Web's Largest Site with "INERRANT BIBLE" Worldview!
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An Online Christian Worldview Encyclopedia,
Where God's Word is "STILL...INERRANT!"
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Humor on the way to Heaven?
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With "DOCTOR of DIVINITY" for Ministers!
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The GREATEST NAME in Education!
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THE HOME OF
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AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN  AMERIPEDIA™   BIBLIPEDIA™   CHRISTIPEDIA™  AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN
(Cambridge Theological Seminary Archives)
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ISRAELI FLAG WAVING ISRAELWAS 'JESUS' PATRIOTIC?ISRAELI FLAG WAVING ISRAEL

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AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICANUSA 'FOUNDING PHOTOS'AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN

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Web’s Largest and Most
Comprehensive, "Bible-Christian" Website!
From an..."INERRANT - BIBLICAL"...Viewpoint!
With Over...700,000 Pages – (4-1-2012)
And More Than 7-Million Graphics,
And Over 8-Million Links,
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Ministers-Best-Friend

Lookup a Word or Passage in the Bible



BibleGateway.com
ALWAYS Check The SCRIPTURE!

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ISRAELI FLAG WAVING ISRAELWAS 'JESUS' PATRIOTIC?ISRAELI FLAG WAVING ISRAEL

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DEAR FRIEND!
PLEASE SEE MASTER HOME PAGE
Before moving on with your studies: PLEASE?
WITH OVER 2,000 IMPORTANT BIBLE CHRISTIAN "GRAPHICS and "LINKS!"
MANY STUDY RESOURCES ALL ON ONE PAGE (you may need later!)
THANK YOU, GOD BLESS, PRAY for US, TELL OTHERS,
PLEASE COME BACK OFTEN!
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Fellow Christian for Christ!
    Make no mistake about it: 'YOU!' BIBLE-CHRISTIAN! Preacher, Teacher, Pastor, Minister, Counselor, Christian School Teacher, Elder, Deacon, Lay Leader, Singer-Musician, Children-Youth Worker, Political Activist:

    CHRIST IS THE ONLY HOPE FOR THE USA!

    This great Nation is doomed . . . UNLESS WE CHRISTIANS WILL BE that Mighty City Shining on the Hill! The powerful Salt that has regained Savor! (Matt 5:13-14)

    "EXCEPT God build the NATION; . . . they labor in vain to build it! Psalm 127:1

    We at Ministers-Best-Friend.com are retired Ministers, with no goal in life beyond helping all True Ministers of Jesus Christ, do the work of Ministry. God is blessing.

    Our TOP PRIORITY is helping start new Ministries. In 2011 we provided the paperwork for 778 new Churches, Ministries. . ."PER MONTH!"   ("FREE LEGAL PACKET" Church Organization Papers; CLICK HERE!)

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Fellow-Laborer's For Christ:
    Why did we name our website "Ministers-Best-Friend.com?"

    Because. . . that's what we strive to be . . . the Dedicated, Evangelistic, Bible Minister's absolute BEST MINISTRY FRIEND IN THE WORLD as follows:

    (A) By offering the very best in Christian Study Resources (See right margin menu);

    (B) From several Online Christian Encyclopedias for "Students-N-Scholars";

    (C) The New International Standard Series of Encyclopedias, Dictionaries, Commentaries, Lexicons and much more:SEE EIGHT-VERSION SIDE-by-SIDE "DECATHALOGUE!"

    (D) The Cambridge Theological Seminary offers the Very Best Name in Ministry Credentials;

    (E) Serving 190+ nations: USA #1, China #2, Russia #3

[1] Full-&-Legal Ordination for all phases of Ministry:

    ** Preachers, Pastors and Evangelists;
    ** Soul Winners! - (they are Evangelists too!)
    ** Sunday School and Bible Study Teachers are "God-called Ministries too!"
    ** Christian School Teachers and Children's Workers!
    ** All Deacons and Elders NEED to be Ordained
    ** Singers, Musicians, Praise and worship Leaders;
    ** Nursery Workers, Jails-Nursing Home Ministries,
    ** Every person having a 'Call to Ministry' needs to be "Ordained to Ministry to reap the benefits thereof: Financially, Influence, Credentials, etc;

    Online "Free!" Ordination for Bible Believers Only

    For all Ordination needs, please see:
    Ministerial Ordination Process:

[2] Chaplain's Ordination, Full & Legal, Certified & Registered - can be "Board Certified" - Licensed & Ordained: Online "Free!" Chaplaincy Ordination

[3] Chaplaincy Training, Certification with Endorsement for Employment: Jail, Hospital, Schools, Courts, Police-Fire Dept: Online "Free!" Chaplaincy Training: Multiple Certifications

[4] "Doctor of Divinity Title" for Absolute Bible-Believing Preachers, School-Teachers; See: "Free!" Doctor of Divinity

[5] Two-Year, Four-Year, Master's Programs in "Biblical Studies" for Absolute Bible-Believing Preachers, Bible School-Teachers; Online "Free!" Biblical Degree Programs

[6] How to Start a New Church or Ministry, Tax-Exempt from the first day, even in your home . . . a Beautiful 33-Page Fill-in-The-Blank packet (With Charter). . .just for a Free-will love Offering; Start-A-Church-Legal Packet

[7] How to Start an Accredited Bible Institute in your Local Church as an affiliate of Cambridge Theological Seminary (With Charter) - just for a Free-will love Offering; Start a Bible Institute in Your Church

[8] Free English Lessons for Hispanic/Latinos - Christians Only - College Credit, starts 3rd-4th grade level; [IN PROCESS] Free English Lessons for Hispanic/Latinos

[9] Need a High School Diploma? Get a genuine Diploma, back-dated to 1977 if needed; Need a High School Diploma?

[10] Website for your Ministry, free website instruction, for Bible Believers only; Website for your Ministry,

[11] Home Schooling - not FREE yet . . . but soon will be. . . for Bible Believers only; Home Schooling - not FREE yet

[12] Licensed Christian Counselors Program: Allows you to charge fees and gain income, for Bible Believers only, Basic Lessons; Free Licensed Christian Counselors

[13] Full-&-Legal Ordination as "Minister of Music" for all phases of Church Music program: Singers, Musicians, Sound=Technicians, Praise & Worship Leaders, Banners, etc. Online "Free!" Ordination for Ministers of Music

[14] Doctorate in Music helping magnify your music ministry, for Bible Believers only; Can you use a "Doctoral Degree" in Praise-&-Worship Music?

[15] "Certified Scholar of the Bible" in several basic categories, where you take an OPEN BIBLE - SELF-ADMINISTERED TEST. Why OPEN BIBLE? The goal is NOT to test your memory!!!

    The GOAL is to test your ability to understand the Word of God as you read it!

    All we ask is that you "sign that you did the work yourself." The Credential is Beautiful, and it makes you a "BOARD CERTIFIED FELLOW" of Cambridge Theological Seminary.

"Certified Scholar of the Bible" Program

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   CHRISTIAN FLAG WAVING"WAS JESUS PATRIOTIC?"CHRISTIAN FLAG WAVING

   AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICANIS 'PATRIOTISM' SINFUL?AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN

   ISRAELI FLAG WAVING ISRAELWAS ESTHER PATRIOTIC?ISRAELI FLAG WAVING ISRAEL

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Online Christian Encyclopedia

Cambridge Theological Seminary

For “Students-N-Scholars”


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BRIEFS: CURRENT CHATTER! NEWS!
What Is The Media NOT Telling You?
(CLICK PICTURES)
MITT ROMNEY OFFICIAL PHOTO ann-romney-photo-1.jpgTIM-TEBOW-JOHN-3-16-PHOTO ORLY TAITZ.jpg TRAYVON MARTIN SYBRINA-FULTON-PHOTO TRAYVON MARTIN’S MOM JEREMY-LIN-PHOTO-with-BASKETBALLS
Mitt Romney, Ann Romney, Tim Tebow, Orly Taitz, Trayvon! Tray's Mom! Jeremy Lin,

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BRIEFS: MISS AMERICAS' FOR CHRIST:
Beauty Title Winners Standing-Up for Jesus!
(CLICK PICTURES for STORIES)
GRETCHEN-CARLSON-MISS-AMERICA-1989-Crown ERIKA-HAROLD-MISS-AMERICA-2003-CROWN.jpg KIRSTEN-HAGLAND-OFFICIAL-PORTRAIT CARRIE-PREJEAN-PHOTO CARESSA-CAMERON-MISS-AMERICA-2010.jpg TERESA-SCANLAN-MISS-AMERICA 2011 LAURA-KAEPPLER-PHOTO-WITH-CROWN
G. Carlson, Miss A! 2003, Miss A! 2008, C. Prejean, Miss A! 2010, Miss A! 2011, Miss A! 2012

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BRIEFS: AMERICAN CHRISTIAN EDUCATORS:
These Men Founded Christian Universities!
(CLICK PICTURES)
BOB-JONES-SENIOR-PHOTO.jpg ORAL-ROBERTS-PHOTO LEE-ROBERSON-PHOTO JERRY-FALWELL.jpg JACK-HYLES-PHOTO-OLDER ARLIN-HORTON-PHOTO PAT-ROBERTSON-PHOTO.jpg
B. Jones, O. Roberts, L. Roberson, J. Falwell, J. Hyles, A. Horton, P. Robertson

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BRIEFS: AMERICAN CHRISTIAN PASTORS:
These Men Founded Large Churches-Ministries!
(CLICK PICTURES)
T-D-JAKES-OFFICIAL-PHOTO CREFLO-DOLLAR-PHOTO KEN HUTCHERSON BALL CAP PORTRAIT FRED-PRICE-PHOTO.jpg CHARLES-BLAKE-PASTOR" KENNETH-ULMER-PHOTO-Good.png TONY-EVANS-PHOTO
T.D. Jakes, Creflo Dollar, The "HUTCH!", Fred Price, Chas Blake, Ken Ulmer, Tony Evans,

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BRIEFS: AMERICA'S HISPANIC LEADERS!
These Leaders Changing Your World!
(CLICK PICTURES)
MARCO-RUBIO-OFFICIAL-PHOTO.jpg SUSAN-MARTINEZ-OFFICIAL-PHOTO. LUIS-PALAU-PHOTO GUILLERMO-MALDONADO-PHOTO.jpg KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE OFFICIAL PHOTO WILFREDO-De-JESUS PHOTO
M. Rubio....S. Martinez...L. Palau...G. Maldonado...K. Guilfoyle...W. de Jesus;

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BRIEFS: SOME NEWS MAKERS
Republican Primary Candidates For President: 2012!
(CLICK PICTURES)
NEWT GINGRICH-OFFICIAL-PHOTO RICK-SANTORUM-OFFICIAL-PHOTO HERMAN CAIN OFFICIAL PHOTO MICHELE BACHMANN Web Pic MITT ROMNEY OFFICIAL PHOTO RON PAUL OFFICIAL PHOTO
Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul

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BRIEFS: AFRICAN-AMERICAN FEMALE LEADERS!
These Leaders Are Changing Your World!
(CLICK PICTURES)
GABRIEL-BRIGETTE." STAR PARKER AMY-HOLMES-OFFICIAL-PHOTO JUANITA-BYNUM-PHOTO harris-faulkner-2-pink.jpg ANGELA McGLOWAN OFFICIAL PHOTO KRISTI WATTS OFFICIAL PHOTO
G. Brigitte...S. Parker...A. Holmes...J. Bynum...H. Faulkner...A McGlowan...K. Watts;

SKULL and BONESSodomy Shortens Male Lifespan Decades!SKULL and BONES

SELF-CONFESSED LISTS:
HOMO & PRO-HOMO SODOMITES: PASTORS, MINISTERS, LEADERS

LESBIAN and PRO-LESBIAN PASTORS, CHAPLAINS, LEADERS

(Has YOUR "Spiritual Leader" COME OUT?)

AMERIPEDIA: George Washington on HOMOSEXUALITY

Early Church OUTLAWS HOMOSEXUALITY in Roman Empire!

"DID YOU KNOW?
"EVERY REVIVAL" in the Bible Began by Removing SODOMITES!
1 Kin 14:24, 1 Kin 15:15, 1 Kin 22:6, 2 Kin 23:7,
(OBEDIENCE!...Deut 23:17, NOT PRAYER ... Brings REVIVAL!)
SKULL and BONESSODOMITES: Acceptance is SIN, Approval is BLASPHEMY! SKULL and BONES

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BRIEFS: SOME NEWS MAKERS!
These People Decide What's Happening!
(CLICK PICTURES)
FRANKLIN-GRAHAM-PHOTO.jpg" TERESA-SCANLAN-MAG-COVER.jpg" CHARLES-PAYNE OFFICIAL-PHOTO HENRY LOUIS GATES JR OFFICIAL PHOTO CARRIE-PREJEAN-PHOTO
Franklin Graham, Miss Home School, Charles Payne, H.L. Gates Jr., Carrie Prejean

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NewtonStein:
 Web's Largest "INSPIRED-INERRANT" Bible Resource;
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"HAECKEL'S DRAWINGS" FRAUD In SCIENCE!

Haeckel's Imaginary Drawings: 100 Years of Error!

The 40-Year “Piltdown Man Hoax!”

The "Nebraska Man" becomes a "Pig's Tooth!"

10 Scientific Frauds that Rocked the World!

Global Warming Hoax (Hundreds of Articles!)

GRAVITATIONSCIENCE-ATOM-ON-CROSSSCIENCE-PERIODIC-TABLE SCIENCE-ATOM-ON-CROSSGRAVITATION

"GENESIS-1" TRUTH In SCIENCE!

SCIENCE-DARWIN-JESUS-FISHSCIENCE-DARWIN-JESUS-FISH

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Browse Massive Evidence Below:
"AMERICAN DECLARATION of INDEPENDENCE"
Declares USA Recognizes: "SELF-EVIDENT TRUTHS!"
Declaring ALL are "CREATED" equal!
Endowed by Their "CREATOR"
With 'Certain', 'Inalienable', 'Rights';
1776 AMERICAN FLAG 1776 THOMAS-JEFFERSON-DECLARATION-of-INDEPENDENCE1776 AMERICAN FLAG 1776
LINCOLN-SIGNATURE
Statesman Thomas Jefferson
Author, Immortal USA Declaration of Independence'
AMERIPEDIA Thomas Jefferson:
His Personal "TRIBUTE to DECLARATION of INDEPENDENCE

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U.S. Supreme Court Decision:
(Unanimous Decision!) "THIS IS A CHRISTIAN NATION!"
Trinity vs. New York, 143 US 457, 36 L ed 226,

Thomas Jefferson!
"Most Misunderstood" Founding Father!
Some say Non-Christian for REJECTING Christ's Divinity
(He believed like Jehovah's Witnesses: Not Mainstream,... but Christian!)
THOMAS-JEFFERSON-SIGNATURE

However, multitudes of Christians IN ALL AGES, saw
Christ as "PERFECT MAN" ...the "SECOND ADAM" Rom 5:6-16
Worshipping Christ as SAVIOUR, and KING, but not DIVINE! (Arianism)

FACT! President Jefferson STARTED Church in the US Capitol Building!

FACT! He JOINED it the same weekend he wrote SEPARATION CHURCH-STATE letter!

FACT! Jefferson ALLOWED several groups to have Church in the US Capitol!

FACT! He oversaw other Churches in the US TREASURY and SUPREME COURT!

FACT! Jefferson hired MARINE BAND to play each Lord's Day...

FACT! ... And President Jefferson paid them with TAX DOLLARS!

FACT! FEW...WHO EVER LIVED...were better Disciples of Christ than Thomas Jefferson!

For Many More, See this THOMAS JEFFERSON "FACT SHEET!"

Jefferson, Joins, Supports, Leads Church in US Capitol: FOOTNOTES [1-43]

Capitol Church Photos on OFFICIAL US GOV WEBSITE

President James Madison Joined Jefferson's Capitol Church!
Jefferson, Madison Belong to Church in US Capitol: FOOTNOTE [14]
JAMES-MADISON-SIGNATURE

Don't be Fooled By ...
"Willfully Blind", Atheist, Anti-Christian, "Deceived-and-Deceiving" College Professors!

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AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICANTHE USA PHOTO GALLERYAMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN

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AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN"WAS PAUL PATRIOTIC?"AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN

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AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICANWAS JESUS PATRIOTIC??AMERICAN FLAG WAVING AMERICAN

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SKULL and BONES"WIKIPEDIA!"SKULL and BONES

The Greatest Encyclopedia, by Worldly Standards!
The Most Dangerous Encyclopedia, by Christian-Patriotic Standards!

"WIKIPEDIA (WICKED-PEDIA?) WARNING!"

FACT: Wiki Philosophy: ATHEIST, ANTI-CHRISTIAN, ANTI-BIBLE;
FACT: We Recognize Wikipedia's Great Worldly Success . . . BUT
URGE YOU NOT TO TRUST THEIR ANTI-CHRISTIAN BIAS!

Take a Moment and Check How OUTRAGEOUS!

WIKIPEDIA: ANTI-AMERICA, ANTI-BIBLE, ANTI-CHRIST!
WIKI “TRIPLE XXX-RATED For Your CHILDREN!”
WIKIPEDIA FOUNDER JIMMY WALES, CELEBRATED ATHEIST

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"CAMBRIDGE!"

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NOTICE! Wrapping up 2011 . . . NOTICE!
2012: A year of amazing growth! (See moving marquee above).
As such, we are sorry to say that we may have missed someone:
Did We Miss Your Request for info in 2011?

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"CAMBRIDGE!"
  CAMBRIDGE THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY!™
"World's Largest Conservative Bible Seminary!"

FREE Doctoral Degree for True Bible Preachers and Teachers!

Do you qualify for a Doctoral Degree in Sacred Music?

"CAMBRIDGE!"
STILL...The GREATEST Name in Education!
A CAMBRIDGE Degree...YOUR Name...YOUR Wall...
WHEN?
DIPLOMA FRAME & MEDALLION

CAP, DIPLOMA WITH BORDEROLD DIPLOMAMAROON DIPLOMA GOLD TASSEL

Do You Qualify for
An Honorary "Doctor of Divinity" from Cambridge Theological Seminary?
If you believe God's Word as Stated Above:
Probably!
(Click for a Free Evaluation!)
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What Is
The WORD of GOD?
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CHRISTIPEDIA™
Statement On The Holy Scriptures;
The ‘LENS’ Through Which 'ALL' Knowledge Is Understood;

THE WORD of GOD, AXIOM-1:
    "IF" there exists any such thing as 'THE WORD OF GOD!' [and ALL evidence proves such does exist:]

    "THEN" by inherent definition - it must be "GOD-BREATHED!"

      (Holy, Inspired, Inerrant, Infallible, Infinitive, Invincible, Indestructible, Inexhaustible, Intrepid,Inalienable, Immutable, Implacable, Impossible-to-Improve: Indubitable and Indomitable - NEVER FAILING - and ALL CONQUERING: ETERNAL!)

      DEDUCTING the above from the simple fact: That GOD EQUATES HIS WORD WITH HIMSELF!

        "In the Beginning was the WORD, and the WORD was with God, and the WORD was God, . . ." John 1:1 (and other Scriptures),

    Thus 'GOD'S WORD' can have NO LESSER STANDARD than that stated;


    "GOD'S WORD MUST" THEREFORE BE:

      AS TRUE IN history, archeology, geography, Earth science, medical science, nutrition, gerontology, agriculture, botany, astronomy, physics, chemistry, climatology, government, law, psychology, sociology - AND EVERY TOPIC IT TOUCHES - as in Theology, Divinity and Doctrine:

    And "IF IT BE NOT" - true in ALL subjects mentioned above; and And "IF IT BE NOT"

      Holy, Inspired, Inerrant, Infallible, Infinite, Invincible, Indestructible, Inexhaustible, Intrepid, Inalienable, Immutable, Implacable, Impossible-to-Improve: Indubitable and Indomitable in EVERY FIELD OF KNOWLEDGE:

    "THEN" . . . it cannot be ‘The Eternal and Incomparable Word’ of the Great Creator God!

God's Eternal Guarantee!
"Heaven and Earth Shall Pass Away;
But 'MY WORDS', SHALL NOT, PASS AWAY!"

-- Jesus of Nazareth, "The Messiah!" AD-33 (Matthew 5:18)

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Do You Qualify for
An Honorary "Doctor of Divinity" from Cambridge Theological Seminary?
If you believe God's Word as Stated Above:
Probably!
(Click for a Free Evaluation!)

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"God's Goals"

For This World! Right Now! Today!

(Christ taught us to Pray! Matt 6:10, Luke 11:2

Does God Achieve His Goals?
OR, does Satan achieve his goals?

(All Teaching and Commentary from "INSPIRED-INERRANT!" View of Scripture!)

THE MOST IMPORTANT "3-QUESTION QUIZ" - EVER!

      The Adversary’s Goals:

      SCRIPTURE: "The ‘Devil’ ... walketh about seeking whom he may DEVOUR."   1 Pet 5:8

      SCRIPTURE: "The ‘Thief’ (Devil) cometh not, but for to steal, to kill and to DESTROY." John 10:10

        QUESTION: Do you Believe the Devil Succeeds?___ Or Fails?___

      God the Father’s Goals:

      SCRIPTURE: "For God sent NOT His Son into the world TO CONDEMN the world, but that THE WORLD though Him might BE SAVED! John 3:16 John 3:17

      SCRIPTURE: "Beloved, be NOT ignorant of this ONE THING, ...The Lord is... NOT WILLING that ANYshould perish, but that ALL should come to REPENTANCE. 2 Pet 3:9

        QUESTION: Do you Believe Father God Succeeds?___ Or Fails?___

      God the Son’s Goals:

      SCRIPTURE: "For the Son of Man is come to seek and to SAVE that which is lost!" Luk 19:10 "For I came NOT to judge the world, but to SAVE the world. John 12:47

      SCRIPTURE: "And I, if I be lifted up from the Earth, I WILL DRAW ALL men unto Me." John 12:32

        QUESTION: Do you Believe God the Son (Jesus Christ): Succeeds?___ Or Fails?___ center>

      God the Spirit’s Goals:

      SCRIPTURE: Jesus declares: "'I ’WILL’' send Him (Holy Spirit) unto you, and when He is come 'He ’WILL’' testify of Me: John 14:26

      SCRIPTURE: "He ’WILL’ reprove the world [convict, convince, correct] of sin, of righteousness, and of judgment: John 16:7

      SCRIPTURE: (1)Of Sin, because they believe not on me; ... (2) Of Righteousness, because I go to my Father; ...(3)Of Judgment, because the 'Prince of this World' IS JUDGED![A] John 16:8-10

        QUESTION: Do you believe God the Spirit Succeeds?___ Or Fails?___

        Who Achieves STATED GOALS? GODHEAD or Satan?

        If you believe
          God the Father,
            God the Son, and
              God the Spirit
                Win over Sin and Satan;

                  Please "CLICK" below!

    "I Believe GOD WINS the Battle for the World!"


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    CHRISTIAN FLAG WAVING CHRISTIAN"AMAZING ETERNAL LIFE FILES!"CHRISTIAN FLAG WAVING CHRISTIAN

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    The "Inerrant Word of God!" Declares

    "These things have I WRITTEN unto you who BELIEVE,
    THAT YE MAY KNOW that ye have Eternal Life." 1 John 5:13

    So How Can We Know?

    Dearest Visitor!
    People PRAY 'ROUND-THE-CLOCK' for ALL who VISIT THIS PAGE!
    We BEG of YOU - TODAY - to "M-E-M-O-R-I-Z-E!" this SCRIPTURE!

    "These things have I written unto you who BELIEVE,
    THAT YE MAY KNOW That ye HAVEETERNAL LIFE!" 1 John 5:13

    Let's Break it Down!
    "These things have I WRITTEN (Absolute, Unchanging!)
    Unto You who BELIEVE, (BELIEVE! Plus Nothing! Minus Nothing!)
    THAT YE MAY K-N-O-W! (NOT 'Hope', 'Wish', 'Think', 'Suppose', etc.,)
    That ye HAVE! (NOT "WILL HAVE"...SOMEDAY! But HAVE NOW!)
    Eternal Life!"(You "Receive" Christ, He comes into Your HEART PROMISING!
    "I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU!" Heb 13:5

    YOU invite Christ in; HE GUARANTEES: "I WILL NEVER LEAVE'!" IT'S SETTLED!

    FACT!
    You know "IF" you believe that Jesus Christ died on the Cross:
    For the sins of all humanity! (Including your own!);

    FACT!
    "IF" You BELIEVE You have ETERNAL LIFE NOW! For SURE! For EVER!

    PLEASE CLICK IF YOU BELIEVE WE CAN "KNOW"
    I DO BELIEVE!
    ETERNAL LIFE KNOWN FOR SURE IN THIS LIFE! 1 John 5:13

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    Do You Qualify for
    An Honorary "Doctor of Divinity" from Cambridge Theological Seminary?
    If you believe God's Word as Stated Above:
    Probably!
    (Click for a Free Evaluation!)

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    Many Fine Bible Scholars seem unaware,
    Of Christ's Great Parable covering the whole Church Age,
    From His Sowing First Seed to His Great End-Time Harvest of Souls!
    And Final Judgment of the Unsaved and their Damnation;
    To Christ’s Presence with us and The Eternal Kingdom!

    (See Greatest Parable on End of Times!)

    Christ’s Greatest Parable on End of Times: Brief Overview

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      To Use Page EFFICIENTLY;

      ** To SEARCH for any Word, Topic or Scripture ON THIS WEBSITE, use the GOLD-BOX SITE SEARCH near top of page: 600,000 pages available 1-1-2012, from Cambridge Theological Seminary Archives;

      ** To SEARCH for any word, subject or Scripture on this SINGULAR-WEB-PAGE you are now on, (which may be from 100-3,000 regular notebook sized pages), do as follows:

        [1] At TOP TOOLBAR on Monitor, "CLICK EDIT" then "FIND"

        [2] Type in SEARCH WORD, Phrase, Scripture, etc.,

        [3] Check "MATCH CASE" if needed and "PRESS ENTER"

        [4] Then Click "NEXT" or "PREVIOUS" to search as you desire!

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    DEAR FRIEND!
    Please Visit Home Page
    Before Moving on with Your Studies!
    MINISTERS BEST FRIEND and CHRISTIPEDIA "HOME PAGE"
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    Rev. 20, THE MILLENNIUM!

    The ABSOLUTE FACTS, ALL That Can Be KNOWN!

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    Rev. 20, THE MILLENNIUM, The ABSOLUTE FACTS, ALL That Can Be KNOWN!

      111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

      It's been said: "Laughter is the best medicine".

      Humor on the Way to Heaven: Country, Red-Neck-Churches, Marriage & Aging




      Humor on the way to Heaven! A Smile for Every Mile? Humor helps lift the load of life.

      Did you know God has a 'Sense of Humor'? There is humor in the Bible!

      BIBLE HUMOR: In the scroll of Judges, the Philistines stole the very sacred 'Ark of the Covenant' from Israel. They fought again and again, but didn't have the military might to get it back, even though it was necessary for their worship.

      The Philistines were so proud to have captured this exquisitely beautiful monument, they decided to take it to every community and have a parade, in great pride over Israel's embarrassment.

      However, it slowly became known that in every community where the Philistines took the Ark, the people broke out in hemorrhoids! It didn't take long until they took the Ark of the Covenant to the Israeli border, put it on a wagon securely, hooked it up to a team of oxen, and sent them on thee road toward Jerusalem.

      Of course it was soon discovered and reestablished at the tabernacle. GOD gave the Philistines hemorrhoids!

      BIBLE HUMOR: When Elijah was challenging the Prophets of Baal at Mt. Carmel, and the Baal Prophets had prayed, beat & cut themselves in earnestness, Elijah chided them saying: "Shout a little louder, your God's probably just in the out house. He'll be done after while!

      There is much to be humorous about in life if we can see it that way, with marriage, children, aging, human nature in general, and especially Church Life: Big Church, Little church, Rural Church, Family Church, 'Bible Thumper' Church, etc.

      Most of our humor is either original or from friends.

      If we have somehow got YOUR joke or funny story, please let us know to have it removed immediately!






      It's been said: "Laughter is the best medicine". This collection of "SMILES" is not intended to reflect negatively against anyone's religion or belief, but is shared for those who believe that laughter is "good medicine".

      Wedding Vows

      During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: 'Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to love, honor, obey and be faithful to her forever, I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.

      He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

      On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: 'Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?'

      The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, 'Yes', then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: 'I thought we had a deal!'

      The pastor put a $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: 'She made me a better offer.'

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A Country Funeral

      As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery, way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

      I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

      The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

      As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before... all the way from Genesis to Revelation.

      I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      SOME THINGS TO PONDER IN LIFE

      1. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

      2. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

      3. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

      4. If buttered toast always lands buttered side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?

      5. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year,why do they have locks on the doors?

      6. Why do they put Braille dots on the dey pads of the drive-up ATM machine?

      7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

      8. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

      9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

      10. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?

      11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

      12. If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?

      13. You know why most packages say "open here"? What should you do if the package says "opn somewhere else"?

      14. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

      15. Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you trasport something by ship it's called cargo?

      16. You know that little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

      17. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for the address,you turn the radio down?

      18. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

      19. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

      20. What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?

      21. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime,what do freedom fighters fight?

      22. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

      23 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      Young Businessman

      A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had big deal working. He threw huge figures around and ade giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

      YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN...

      Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 56K flex...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot com".Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print, even though you've never had heart problems before.You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.All of your friends have an @ in their names.When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.Your dog has its own home page.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off.You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      "Is The Dog Dead?"

      A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      Psalms 51:2-4

      A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing one's own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      Lettuce Patch

      A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      Just smile

      Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      Crime Doesn't Pay

      When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Oklahoma City -Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47,was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen howed>that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St.Louis, Missouri.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      Having a bad Day?

      If you ever think you are having a bad day, just read these and your day will be one of your best.

      1.Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he sunk like a stone and drowned.

      2.The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

      3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

      4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he was merely listening to his walkman.

      5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

      And the last & best.......6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      True StoriesAnd you thought YOU were having a bad Day!!!

      A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window,climb out, and swim to shore where a tree blew over and killed him.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing passed under a low-level bridge killing him.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Walter Hallas, a 26-year old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1970 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw, the punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, NY was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up! Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Suprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over nine foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Two German motorists had an all to literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guestersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace from opposite derections but both near the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the windows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched!!

      And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!

      Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now, "she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      You Know You're Getting Older When:

      Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.You get winded playing chess. Your children begin to look middle aged. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.You look forward to a dull evening.You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.Your knees buckle and your belt won't.After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.Dialing long distance wears you out.You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.You just can't stand people who are intolerant.The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm. Your back goes out more often than you do.A fortune teller offers to read your face.The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A Shaving Funny

      After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. "Not bad," he thought, "At least I don't need to get a shave every day." The next morning the man's face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Jonah

      There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

      One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

      The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

      He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THE HERMIT

      Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay. First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man's spiritual needs were being fulfilled.

      The team made it's way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well. The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar. Cautiously, they walked inside.

      Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.

      At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, "Oh yes!" the Psychologist spoke. "This very clearly explains this man's desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb."

      "Nonsense!" exclaimed the Engineer. "This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius."

      The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. "I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created."

      At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.

      The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke.

      "Well...had to fix stove pipe...plenty of wire...not enough stove pipe!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Thinking Experiment

      Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

      Turn off the cold water.

      If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

      Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

      Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one.

      The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

      Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new onem makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

      Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

      After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

      "Because that's the way it's always been around here."

      Sound familiar?

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Dear Son

      Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter very slowly because I know you don't read too fast.

      You won't know the house when you come here... we moved.

      Your father has a new job with several hundred people under him. He cuts the lawn at the cemetery.

      Your sister finally had her baby this morning. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet, so I don't know if you're an uncle or an aunt.

      Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying. All the boys at his school got new suits, but we can't afford to buy him one. Instead we're going to buy him a new hat and just let him look out the window.

      Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the distillery where he worked. Five men jumped in to try and save him, but he fought them off. They cremated his body and it burned for five days.

      The neighbors next door have started to keep pigs. We just got wind of it this morning.

      Your father took me to the doctor's the other day. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father tried to buy it from him.

      It only rained twice last week. Once for three days, then for four days. It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

      Well son, I will say good-bye for now. Your father says good-bye too.

      Your mother,Mom

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      What kind of messages a word processor would give when exiting without saving the file if the programmer was of one of various Christian denominations:

      Non-sectarian: Do you wish to Save your work?

      Roman-Catholic: Registry indicates user is female; only males are allowed to Save.

      Anglican: Your work may or may not be Saved

      Lutheran: If you don't follow the instruction manual, don't expect your work to be Saved.

      Mennonite: Document contains the word "dancing"; it cannot be Saved

      J. Witness: You are user 144,001; your work cannot be Saved

      Mormon: Could we interest you in Saving your work?

      Millenarian: It is almost to late to Save your work

      S. Baptist: If your work was not Saved, it is because you are evil.

      TV Preacher: This program has made mistakes in the past, but it will try to Save *this* file.

      Born-again: Before Saving your work, this program will erase all existing data. Proceed?

      Faith healers: If you believe your work will be Saved, it will be Saved. ----

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      True Life Stories ... that are beyond belief?!!

      Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

      [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

      [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson;.38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

      [Unknown, 25 March] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

      [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."

      [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

      [AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

      James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

      [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95] Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.

      Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.

      In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

      [Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Two Priests

      Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

      The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

      They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

      The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", and started to walk away.

      One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

      "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? Take a good look, now close your eyes, add a hat and gown. I'm sister Angela!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The Baptist Dog?

      This Baptist couple felt it important to own a equal Baptist pet, so they went shopping.

      At the kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

      When they asked the dog to fetch the BIBLE, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

      That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed him off a little.

      The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

      "Well", they said, "Let's try it out."

      Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

      Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

      They had been deceived!

      He was Pentecostal !!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      CATHOLIC HORSES

      One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

      Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

      Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

      Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

      Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

      Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

      True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

      Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

      Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

      The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

      Great Stuff - You may never need no know . . . but if you did . . .

      Do You Know That .... ?

      If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom more often . . .

      The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

      The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary,is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

      The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

      Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

      Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

      Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

      An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

      Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

      Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

      The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

      Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

      A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

      111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

      If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

      Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

      The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

      It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. [Yum!]

      Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

      Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

      Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.

      Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk

      If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

      101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

      'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand [on the QWERTY keyboard].

      The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.

      Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

      Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

      To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

      Reindeer like to eat bananas.

      A group of unicorns is called a blessing.

      Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."

      A group of frogs is called an army.

      A group of rhinos is called a crash.

      A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

      A group of whales is called a pod.

      A group of geese is called a gaggle.

      A group of ravens is called a murder.

      A group of officers is called a mess.

      A group of larks is called an exaltation.

      A group of owls is called a parliament.

      Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!"

      Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

      The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bed frame. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

      "Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

      Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

      In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

      Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

      Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.

      Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

      The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

      Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

      Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

      There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

      The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

      A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

      There are more chickens than people in the world.

      Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

      The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

      All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

      No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

      "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

      Almonds are members of the peach family.

      Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

      Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

      There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

      On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

      It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

      The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

      The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz.

      The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

      Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.

      John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

      The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

      There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      3 Contractors

      Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

      So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

      Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

      Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says $2700.

      The guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

      "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri".

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Farmers Comparison

      A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

      Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

      The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

      He asks, "And what are those"?

      The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE

      Let's face it --English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

      We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

      And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

      Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

      If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

      Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

      Have noses that run and feet that smell?

      How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?

      How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

      Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

      You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, or fill it out by filling it in, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

      English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

      That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Work vs Prison

      In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

      In prison you get three meals a day.At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

      In prison you get time off for good behavior.At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

      At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

      In prison you can watch TV and play games.At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

      In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.At work you are just ball-and-chained.

      In prison you get your own loo.At work you have to share.

      In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

      In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

      In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

      At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

      In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

      In prison there are wardens who may be sadistic and cell-mates that are sometimes wacko!

      At work we have managers always sadistic and workmates always wacko!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Visual Effects

      /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ = reading between the lines

      dice dice = paradise

      he's / himself = he's beside himself

      ecnalg = backward glance

      death / life = life after death

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      PC Cars

      Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".

      In response to Bill's comments, GM issues a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

      1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

      2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

      3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

      4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

      5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

      6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five time as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent on the roads.

      7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

      8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

      9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

      10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand-McNally road maps (now subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

      11. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

      12. You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      INTRODUCTION TO CHINESE

      Ai Bang Mai Ne: "I bumped into the coffee table"

      Ai No Pei: "I have a press pass"

      Chin Tu Fat: "Have you considered a face lift?"

      Dum Gai: "A stupid person"

      Dung On Mai Shu: "I stepped in excrement"

      Fat He: "An unattractive person"

      Gun Pao Der: "An ancient Chinese invention"

      Hao Long Wei Ting: "When is the bus due?"

      Hia Dei Kum: "Stand by to repel boarders"

      Hu Flung Dung: "Which one of you fertilised the field?"

      Hu Yu Hai Ding: "Are you harbouring a fugitive?"

      Jan Ne Ka Sun: "A former late night talk show host"

      Kum Hia: "I'd like to talk to you"

      Lao Ze: "Not very good"

      Lao Ze Sho: "Gilligan's Island"

      Lei Loh: "Keep out of sight"

      Lei Tsho: "Midnight television programme"

      Li Loh: "A temporary bed"

      Lin Ching: "An illegal execution"

      Ming Toy: "Plaything belonging to ancient emperor"

      Moon Lan Ding: "One small step for man"

      Ne Ahn: "A lighting fixture used in advertising signs"

      Noh Pah King: "Tow-away zone"

      Noh Tsmo King: "Cigarettes are hazardous to health"

      Noh Wei Ding: "Keep out of the pond"

      Shai Gai: "A bashful person"

      Shu Man Go: "Your body odour is offensive"

      Tai Ni Bei Bi: "A premature infant"

      Tai Ni Po Ni: "A small horse"

      Ten Ding Ba: "Serving drinks to people"

      Wan Bum Lung: "A person with TB"

      Wah Shing Kah: "Cleaning the family car"

      Wai Go Nao: "Do you really have to leave?"

      Wai So Dim: "Who turned off the light?"

      Wai Yu Kum Nao: "I thought the meeting was next week"

      Wai Yu Mun Ching: "I thought you were on a diet?"

      Wai Yu Shao Ting: "There is no reason to raise your voice"

      Wai Yu Sing Dum Song: "Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?"

      Yu Mai Te Tan: "Your vacation in Hawaii agreed with you"

      Yu So Dim: "You aren't very bright"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THINGS YOU HAVE TO KNOW

      A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

      The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

      The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

      The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

      The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

      Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

      Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

      Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

      Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

      Camel's milk does not curdle.

      In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

      An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

      Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

      The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

      Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

      All porcupines float in water.

      Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

      If you take a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $10.00 from the town.

      The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

      Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

      The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

      Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

      The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.

      When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

      The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      GRANDMA SPEAKS

      A lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

      She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

      The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the lawyer for the defence?"

      She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."

      At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you ask Grandma if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THINGS I HAVE LEARNED

      I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. [Age 39]

      I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. [Age 13]

      I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. [Age 46]

      I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. [Age 82]

      I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. [Age 24]

      I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. [Age 65]

      I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. [Age 50]

      I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. [Age 53]

      I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. [Age 7]

      I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. [Age 62]

      I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth,

      I've seen several. [Age 73]

      I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. [Age 64]

      I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. [Age 29]

      I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. [Age 29]

      I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. [Age 49]

      I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. [Age 44]

      I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. [Age 13]

      I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. [Age 9]

      I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict. [Age 15]

      I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. [Age 66]

      I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. [Age 58]

      I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. [Age 72]

      I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". [Age 7]

      I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. [Age 41]

      I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. [Age 85]

      I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. [Age 92]

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THE B.C.

      My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

      She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.

      Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

      Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      KITCHEN QUOTE

      A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

      No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

      A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

      If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

      A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

      Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

      Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

      A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

      Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

      Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

      Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

      My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THE KEYBOARD RESTAURANT MENU

      \&&&&&&&/ Pretzels!

      \66666666/ Shrimp!

      \********/ Popcorn!

      ^<**>^ ^<**>^ Hot steamed Maryland blue crabs : )

      \_><{{{{">_/ Whole Fish Soup!!

      [Notice how the eyes follow you around the room!]

      [::] [::] [::] [::] Fig Newtons

      (#) (#) (#) Warm Peanut butter cookies

      \--------/ Chicken soup for all your sick friends

      (@) (@) (@) Fresh Cinnamon Rolls!

      OooOOoOooO Onion rings

      [:::] [:::] [:::] French toast sticks with powdered sugar

      =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D# Celery

      \__/ \__/ Chinese Take Out

      \ ) ) ) ) ) / (~~~~~) Chips and Dip

      @@@@ (_) (_) (_) Chocolate Chip cookies and Moo juice ;)

      (|=3D=3D=3D|)(|=3D=3D=3D|) Hot dogs

      (m) (m) (_) (_) M&M's and Koolaid

      o o o o o Single AND O O O O O Double Stuff Oreos!

      <) <) <) <) <) Pizza!

      c(__) c(__) Steaming mugs of hot cocoa!

      [|||]D [|||]D Root Beer!

      (_)D (_)D Freshly brewed coffee!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Addicted to CoffeeYou know you are addicted to coffee if ...

      You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

      You sleep with your eyes open.

      The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

      You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

      You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

      Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

      You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

      You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

      You can jump-start your car without cables.

      You don't sweat, you percolate.

      You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

      You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

      You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

      People get dizzy just watching you.

      Instant coffee takes too long.

      You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

      You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

      You short out motion detectors.

      You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

      Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

      You help your dog chase its tail.

      You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

      Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

      You ski uphill.

      You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

      You answer the door before people knock.

      You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      AGE IS A FUNNY THING

      Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

      That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

      And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

      But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

      What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

      You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

      Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

      So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

      After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

      And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

      Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      AGRICULTURE SUBSIDY

      Honorable Secretary of AgricultureWashington, D.C.

      Dear Sir;

      My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

      What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

      As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

      My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

      If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

      Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

      Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

      In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

      Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

      Patriotically Yours,

      PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese. Selling Bibles

      This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

      The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

      The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

      "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

      As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

      At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

      At the end of the next day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

      "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is."

      Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      One for you, One for me

      There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

      The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you."

      He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

      He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

      The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."

      The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

      They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A Problem and A Problem

      The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

      His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

      "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

      "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

      The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

      "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

      "No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

      Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

      "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

      "Not a word," her mother affirmed.

      "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

      The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

      "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Taiwanese Tourist at Immigration

      A Taiwanese man with very poor, practically no, English knowledge once visited the US. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping.

      At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true intention of coming to the US:

      - First he was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?" Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must have asked him for his family name.

      So he replied:"Wa Sing Teng". (in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng). The officer heard of "Washington!" (same sound) so passed him of the first question.

      - Second question was:"What do you come to the US for?" This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name.

      So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of: "Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question. "What car do u drive back home?"

      The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo". (in Hokkien meaning I have no wife). And the officer heard of:"Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again.

      - The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan". (meaning Don't let me here wait).

      The officer heard of:"Michael Jordan!" With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further harrassment.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      ARGUMENT

      There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

      "What did she say?" asked the friend.

      The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      BIBLICAL LAWS FOR CHILDREN

      Household Principles for ChildrenBased on the Old Testament(Lamentations of a Father)--by Ian Frazier

      Laws of Forbidden Places:Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

      Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

      Laws When at Table :And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

      Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.

      When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.

      When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

      Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

      And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

      Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

      Laws Pertaining to Dessert:For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

      But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

      But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

      And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

      On Screaming:Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

      Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

      Concerning Face and Hands:

      Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

      And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

      Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

      Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances: Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

      Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      BIBLICAL RIDDLES

      Why was Moses the most wicked man?... (He broke all 10 commandments at once.)

      What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?... (Flood lights)

      How does a lawyer resemble a rabbi?... (Lawyers study the law and the profits)

      What are the 2 smallest insects in the Bible?... (The widow's mite (Mark 12:42) and the wicked flea (Proverbs 28:1))

      Who was the most ambitious man in the Bible?... (Jonah-even a whale couldn't keep him down)

      Who was the first canning factory run by?... (Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs)

      Why was Noah like a hungry cat?... (He went 150 days without finding Ararat)

      What is it that Adam never saw or had, yet left 2 of them for his children?... (Parents)

      What Bible character may have only been a foot tall?... (Nicodemus-he was a ruler)

      What did Jesus have in common with the fish that swallowed Jonah?... (Jesus had dinner with a sinner, and the fish had a sinner for dinner)

      How do we know Isaiah's parents were good business people?... (They both raised a prophet)

      During what season did Eve eat the forbidden fruit?(Early in the fall)

      Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?... (Noah was sitting on the deck)

      Why did poor Job land in bed with a cold?... (He had poor comforters)

      How are roller-bladers like the fruit in the Garden of Eden?... (They come before the fall)

      Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?... (Noah-he took Ham on the ark)

      Who slept five in a bed?... (David-he slept with his forefathers)

      Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?... (They kept saying neigh)

      How do we know Abraham was smart?(He knew a Lot)

      What was one of the first examples of math in the Bible?... (God told Adam to go forth and multiply)

      Why couldn't Cain please God with his offering?... (He just wasn't Abel)

      How did God keep the oceans clean?... (With Tide)

      What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?... ("Now I herd everything")

      What was the name of Isaiah's horse?... (Isme - He said "Whoa, is me!")

      Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?... (No, he came forth out of the ark)

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THE BUDDHIST AND JEHOVAH'S WITNESS

      One of the most enjoyable afternoons I ever spent was with a Jehovah's Witness who had come to my door. I never turn people away from my door, so I invited this chap in and put on the tea kettle. He began to tell me how very dangerous Roman Catholics are. This failed to get a rise out of me, so he marched on to trash various forms of mainstream Protestantism, secular humanism, world federalism and scientific materialism. He knew the Achilles heel of every one of these systems of thought, and I sat there and agreed with him wholeheartedly.

      He started talking about various Biblical passages to me, and I said "Would you mind if we read the Greek version? I find the translations a bit misleading." (This was a shameless bluff. My Greek was never very good, and I would have been in a real jam if he had taken me up on it.)

      After a bit of amicable discussion of various passages from the Bible, the JW was showing signs of obvious confusion. He just didn't know which trash bin to throw my beliefs into. Finally he started looking around the room and he said "I notice you have a lot of books on Buddhism here." I nodded. He asked whether I was a Buddhist. I said there were some moments on some days when I thought I might be a Buddhist, but I certainly didn't insist on being thought of as one. He abruptly stood up and said "I know nothing about Buddhism. I'll come back next week with our expert on Buddhism." Just barely finding time to thank me for the nice tea and biscuits, he bolted out the door.

      The next week, as promised, I received a visit from the local expert on Buddhism. He began by telling me that Buddhism is mostly full of superstitious nonsense. I agreed wholeheartedly. (That was twenty years before I had this indisputable fact confirmed with tedious regularity by our friend Bhava.) He went on to say that Buddhists worship the Buddhist Pope, whose name was Dalai Lama. I politely disagreed. He then said that Buddhists are atheists who deny that Jehovah is the supreme creator. I cordially agreed and offered him another biscuit. The man stayed with me for a couple of hours and was growing decidedly restless. So I offered to teach him to meditate. He abruptly stood up and bolted, not even thanking me for the nice tea and biscuits.

      From that time on, I never again got visits from the Jehovah's Witnesses. They walked right past my house. Once I went out onto the veranda and called out to them, inviting them in for tea. They waved nervously and accelerated their pace. Ever since that time, I have found that nothing works more swiftly with Christian door-to-door evangelists than to invite them into my meditation room and to ask them to pull up a cushion, sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing. This invariably reminds them that they have an emergency appointment somewhere across town....

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      ACTS 2:38

      A pastor was leading an inquirer through catechetical training and Bible study. One of the verses he emphasized was Acts 2:38. [check it out; it's very appropriate] "Always remember this verse," the pastor said. "If you do, you will never go wrong. Just remember, Acts Two Thirty-eight."

      "Gotcha!" said the inquirer as he left that session. Some time later, as he approached his car on the edge of a mall parking lot near dark, two guys jumped him. Immediately he shouted as loudly as he could: "ACTS TWO THIRTY EIGHT! ACTS TWO THIRTY EIGHT!"

      One of the thugs said to the other: "Hey, man! Let's split" and started running away as fast as he could. After a moment of puzzled hesitation the other ran after him till he caught up with him in the nearby woods.

      "What's going on, Man?" he asked.

      "Didn't you hear what that dude said?" asked the other. "He had two thirty-eights and an ax."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THE ASSUMPTION OF VIRGIN MARY

      You know what I'm trying to figure out? I was looking over the order's Ordo (try saying that 6 times really fast) the other day and noticed that one of the major feast days on the calendar commemorates the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

      Now, in grammar school they taught us not to assume things, but to look them up. They even made us join a fictitious organization called the "We Don't Guess, We Look It Up" Club. (I'm not making this up, you know!)

      Isn't it, therefore, setting a dangerous example to have a feast day that celebrates someone's making an assumption? I mean, why couldn't Mary have looked it up in the Encyclopaedia Palestiniana? That would have set a much more wholesome example for the youth of today. Besides, most of the knowledge found in encyclopedias today was discovered much more recently than 2000 years ago, so the encyclopedias in those days were probably only a couple of pages long. How much time could it have taken to look it up?

      Not only that, but if it was a really important thing that she was assuming--something worth making a major feast day out of--surely it would have been worth it for everyone's peace of mind to be sure of the facts. And if she was making a trivial assumption, why should we make such a big deal out of it?

      All you liturgical experts out there: how come we don't observe the Feast of the Fact-Checking of the Blessed Virgin? Enquiring minds need to know.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      TEN COMMANDMENTS OF E-MAIL

      Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

      Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

      Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

      Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

      Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

      Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

      Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

      Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

      Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

      When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

      And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

      That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

      A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

      I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

      As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people don't belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

      With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

      Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

      So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

      Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

      (It was not revealed what grade the student got.)

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      THREE CHAIRS

      A certain Catholic church hosting a community Thanskgiving service. Now this was to be first for that catholic church and for the community. Naturally everyone was quite excited. With great dignity the priest led his three Protestant colleagues toward the chancel area when suddenly he realized that he had forgotten to put out chairs for his guest clergy to sit on during the service.

      In a state of great agitation, he whispered in the ear of one of his ushers, "Please get some chairs for the guest pastors." The elderly usher was quite hard of hearing, so he asked the priest to repeat his request. The priest did so a little louder: "Please get up and get three chairs for the Protestants."

      The old man had a puzzled look on his face as he rose to his feet. Turning to the rest of the congregation, he said with a loud voice: "This seems highly irregular, but I've been asked to have you stand and give three cheers for the Protestants."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A LETTER TO ALL OF US

      Letter to All of UsFrom: GODTo: My Children on EarthRe: Idiotic Religions

      My Dear Children (and believe me, that's all of you), I consider myself a pretty patient guy. I mean, look at the Grand Canyon. It took millions of years to get it right. And about evolution? Boy, nothing is slower than designing that whole Darwinian thing to take place, cell by cell, and gene by gene. I've been patient through your fashions, civilizations, wars and schemes, and the countless ways you take Me for granted until you get yourselves into big trouble again and again.

      But on this occasion of My Son's birthday, I want to let you know about some of the things that are starting to tick me off. First of all, your religious rivalries are driving Me up a wall. Enough already! Let's get one thing straight. These are YOUR religions, not Mine. I'm the whole enchilada; I'm beyond them all. Every one of your religions claims there's only one of Me (which by the way, is absolutely true). But in the very next breath, each religion claims it's My favourite one. And each claims its bible was written personally by Me, and that all the other bible's are man-made. Oh Me. How do I even begin to put a stop to such complicated nonsense?

      Okay, listen up now. I'm your Father AND Mother, and I don't play favourites among My children. Also, I hate to break it to you, but I don't write. My longhand is awful, and I've always been more of a doer anyway. So ALL of your books, including those bible's, were written by men and women. There were inspired, remarkable people, but they also made mistakes here and there. I made sure of that, so that you would never trust a written word more than your own living heart.

      You see, one human being to me -- even a bum on the street -- is worth more than all the Holy Books in the world. That's just the kind of guy I am. My Spirit is not a historical thing, it's alive right here, right now, as fresh as your next breath.

      Holy books and religious rites are sacred and powerful, but not more so than the least of you. They were only meant to steer you in the right direction, not to keep you arguing with each other, and certainly not to keep you from trusting your own personal connection with Me.

      Which brings Me to My next point about your nonsense. You act like I need you and your religions to stick up for Me or win souls; for My sake. Please, don't do Me any favours. I can stand quite well on my own, thank you. I don't need you to defend Me, and I don't need constant credit. I just want you to be good to each other.

      And another thing: I don't get all worked up over money or politics, so stop dragging My name into your dramas. For example, I never threatened Oral Roberts. I never rode in any of Rajneesh's Rolls Royces. I never told Pat Robertson to run for president, and I've never EVER had a conversation with Jim Baker, Jerry Falwell, or Jimmy Swaggart! Of course, come Judgement Day, I certainly intend to...

      The thing is, I want you to stop thinking of religion as some sort of loyalty pledge to Me. The true purpose of your religions is so that YOU can become more aware of ME, not the other way around. Believe Me, I know you already. I know what's in each of your hearts, and I love you with no strings attached. Lighten up and enjoy Me. That's what religion is best for.

      What you seem to forget is how mysterious I am. You look at the petty differences in your Scriptures and say, Well, if THIS is the truth, then THAT can't be But instead of trying to figure out My Paradoxes and Unfathomable Nature--which by the way, you NEVER will--why not open your hearts to the simple common threads in every religion?

      You know what I'm talking about: Love and respect everyone. Be kind. Even when life is scary or confusing, take courage and be of good cheer, for I am always with you. Learn how to be quiet, so you can hear My still, small voice (I don't like to shout). Leave the world a better place by living your life with dignity and gracefulness, for you are My Own Child. Hold back nothing from life, for the parts of you that can die surely will, and the parts that can't, won't. So don't worry, be happy (I stole that last line from Bobby McFerrin, but who do you think gave it to him in the first place?)

      Simple stuff. Why do you keep making it so complicated? It's like you're always looking for an excuse to be upset. And I'm very tired of being your main excuse. Do you think I care whether you call me Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Wakantonka, Brahma, Father, Mother or even the Void of Nirvana? Do you think I care which of My special children you feel closest to--Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammed or any of the others? You can call Me and My Special Ones any name you choose, if only you would go about My business of loving one another as I love you. How can you keep neglecting something so simple?

      I'm not telling you to abandon your religions. Enjoy your religions, honour them, learn from them, just as you should enjoy, honour, and learn from your parents. But do you walk around telling everyone that your parents are better than theirs? Your religion, like your parents, may always have the most special place in your heart; I don't mind that at all. And I don't want you to combine all the Great Traditions in One Big Mess. Each religion is unique for a reason. Each has a unique style so that people can find the best path for themselves. But My Special Children--the ones that your religions revolve around--all live in the same place (My heart) and they get along perfectly, I assure you. The clergy must stop creating a myth of sibling rivalry where there is none.

      My blessed children of Earth, the world has grown too small for your pervasive religious bigotries and confusion. The whole planet is connected by air travel, satellite dishes, telephones, fax machines, rock concerts, diseases, and mutual needs and concerns. Get with the program! If you really want to help Me celebrate the birthday of My Son Jesus, then commit yourselves to figuring out how to feed your hungry, clothe your naked, protect your abused, and shelter your poor. And just as importantly, make your own everyday life a shining example of kindness and good humour. I've given you all the resources you need, if only you abandon your fear of each other and begin living, loving, and laughing together.

      Finally, My Children everywhere, remember whose birth is honoured on December 25th, and the fearlessness with which He chose to live and die. As I love Him, so do I love each one of you. I'm not really ticked off, I just wanted to grab your attention because I hate to see you suffer. But I gave you free will, so what can I do now other than to try to influence you through reason, persuasion, and a little old-fashioned guilt and manipulation? After all, I AM the original Jewish Mother. I just want you to be happy, and I'll sit in the Dark.

      I really Am, with you always. Always. Trust in Me.

      Your One and Only,God

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      "More intelligence-challenged people"

      45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

      Portsmouth, R.I.Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

      Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

      The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Forest Service Complaints

      This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

      "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call"

      "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections"

      "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness"

      "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands"

      "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals"

      "All the mile markers are missing this year"

      "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse"

      "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill"

      "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests"

      "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter"

      "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them"

      "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals"

      "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights"

      "Need more signs to keep area pristine"

      "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead"

      "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked"

      "Too many rocks in the mountains."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Welfare Application Goofs

      SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO WELFARE DEPARTMENT FROM APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE.

      I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.

      I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

      Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

      I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?

      I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

      This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?

      Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out.

      I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

      In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

      I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

      My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

      Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

      You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?

      I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

      In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

      I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good. If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.

      It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. But please believe me when I say it was an accident.

      Please excuse the condition of my messy form. I really should have been more careful.

      I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.

      Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.

      I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains.

      Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same.... The Ears Have it!!

      There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

      Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

      He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The owner got really upset and threw the guy out.

      The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The owner was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

      Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked,

      "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~

      The parrot

      So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

      One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

      This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

      After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

      Humor on the Way to Heaven: Country, Red-Neck-Churches, Marriage & Aging THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE

      Let's face it --English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

      We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

      And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

      Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

      If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

      Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

      Have noses that run and feet that smell?

      How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?

      How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

      Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

      You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, or fill it out by filling it in, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

      English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

      That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.






      COPYRIGHT (c) 1977 Cambridge Theological Seminary
      COPYRIGHT (c) 1965 Cambridge Bible Institute
      COPYRIGHT (c) 1953 Cambridge World Evangelism
      COPYRIGHT (c) 1945 Cambridge Bible Church

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      Could you please share your State of Salvation that we may better serve our readers?

      At this time, I do not believe Jesus is the Saviour!

      I do believe Jesus is the Saviour; I know I have Eternal Life!

      I do not believe it is possible to 'Know in this life' if one has Eternal Life;

      In 'VERY FEW MINUTES'...you can Know for Certain if you're saved for CERTAIN ...or not! 1 John 5:13

      I want to know with CERTAINLY what God's Word declares:

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      A Second Most Important Question!

      Can you explain to a Spouse, a Child or a Friend HOW "Eternal Life as God's FREE GIFT" - Unearned and Undeserved? Romans 6:23

      If not, please read "Eternal Life as God's FREE GIFT!"

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        We neither claim nor present ourselves as having perfect knowledge in all things. Thus views and articles posted on this website are those of their authors – who often insist their identities, denominational, and/or doctrinal persuasion be made known for various reasons – offered to you as wise people of God - Christian Patriots, whatever your nation - to discern for your own judgement and edification.

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