If a man speaks in forest - and his wife is not there to hear it, is he still wrong?

I have had the most wonderful evening dear, sadly, it was not this one!

Country Guy about 50: First time in city, saw an old lady about 80 get on elevator. 3 minutes, beautiful young woman about 20 got off. He kept watching & the situation repeated itself. He ran round the corner, grabbed wife, picked her up on his shoulder, carried her over and threw her on the elevator! Wife yelling and kicking: What are you doing, let me out of here It’ll be Ok dear, just hang on [He grabbed her purse just in case!] Sure enough in three minutes the door opened and a beautiful 20 year old stepped off smiling. He grabbed her and started kissing her and wouldn’t let her go. She finally whacked him with her purse & knocked some front teeth out! So if you see a guy walking around missing front teeth, he’s still wondering what happened to his wife!

Another Country Guy about 50: First time in city, saw an old lady about 80 get on elevator. 3 minutes, beautiful young woman about 20 got off. He kept watching & the situation repeated itself. He ran round the corner, grabbed wife, picked her up on his shoulder, carried her over and threw her on the elevator! Wife yelling and kicking: What are you doing, let me out of here It’ll be Ok dear, just hang on [He grabbed her purse just in case!] Sure enough in three minutes the door opened, but the oldest looking old lady he had ever seen got off. His quite lovely wife of mid-years was forever gone! Just my luck! He said, ran out the door! So if you see a woman walking around walking around looking for her husband, tell her he went that way!

Man weeping and sobbing, kneeling in the soft dirt of a fresh grave crying: Why did you have to die? Caretaker: Excuse me sir! Did you lose a spouse, parent or child? Weeping Man: No! CaretakerT: Was this your best friend? Man: No CT, confused. Sir, I’ve seldom seen anyone weep so in these years. Who might the deceased be may I ask. Man: My wife’s first husband!

Man: with suitcase informs wife that all arrangements have been made, and he’s leaving in 2 minutes to never see him again! Friend: What’d she say! Man: amazing how I could have lived with her for 20 years without knowing she could laugh, sing and do cart-wheels all at the same time.

Does your wife drive this car? No it was all banged up when I got it!

What does a woman really love a man’s company? When He’s the owner of it1

If you really want your wife to listen - talk in your sleep.

So absent minded, wife bought me an electric lawnmower so I could find my way back to the house.

Bride to groom: Which was your most important reason for marrying me: My gorgeous face or my beautiful body Groom, Actually, it was your “amazing imagination” that caught my attention

State Patrol overtook speeding man - Why fleeing? Afraid you were bringing her back!

Adam went to sleep, woke up married! Since that time, Men - all over the world - have Hard time going to sleep

One of my Sisters got married: Husband amazed at house keeping asked: “But do you have to vacuum every day! Sister! Hey! When you learn from my momma, you learn from the best! An my Momma says: Vacuum every single day Husband amazed at delicious meals asked: “But do you have to cook for hours & dirty so many pans? Sister! Hey! When you learn from my momma, you learn from the best! An my Momma says: Take no short cuts: hours and pots and pans Husband amazed at perfect laundry asked: “But do you have to iron and starch everything, even my iron my work jeans And starch my work shirts! Sister! Hey! When you learn from my momma, you learn from the best! An my Momma says iron and starch all the clothes! Pause - Husband, if you have to starch my under-shorts, do you have to use so much

Puttin’ on heavy moisture facial mask Husband asks what for? To make me beautiful Takkin’ it all off Husband asks what for, didn’t it work?

Adam woke up, saw Eve coming toward him, absolutely beautiful & not a stitch of clothing, Spiritual man that he is starts singin a Bill Gaither song: “I Just Feel Like something Good is about to Happen!”

Eve disobeyed God but Adam, He was so spiritual. When God said “Multiply! Fill the earth! Adam says, “Right away, Lord”

Three stages: Lust, rust, dust Heart-throb, Heart-ache, Heart-burn Niagara, Viagra,

Dead marriage, couple goes to counselor: Counselor goes to wife, kisses her deeply and tells husband. “This is what your wife needs at least twice a week! Do you understand? Man asks wife, “Is this all it would take to make you happy? Wife: “YES!” Man: “Good! I’m glad we found the problem! What days do you want me to bring her in

Preacher to congregation when preaching at sin. “I’m aiming at the devil, if you get hit, it’s because you’re too close!

Man driving down highway, patrol pulls him over and says ‘here’s your wife’! You left her at the last rest area’” Good the man says! I thought I had gone deaf!

Singing Marine’s hymn when big man walked up in tears: A music Teacher

Man sitting in church when plaster fell from ceiling knocking him out cold. Splashed some water on his face & asked: How are you? Hit me again he said, I can still hear him.

Man called church in cavalier voice: May I talk to the “Head Hog“! Secretary, We refer to our pastor as “The Reverend So & so Man: Well, my accountant told me I needed a big tax deduction today and I wondered if you folks could use a million dollars ! Secretary, ‘Just A moment! The Head Hog just came down the hall!

Someone steals car, but returns it the next day washed & waxed, full of Fuel with a note and tickets to the Cowboys football game. When they returned from the game, all that they owned had been stolen!

A man leaves home running, goes a ways & turns left, turns left, turns left and arrives home to find two masked men awaiting him: what’s going on?

Adam: what can I get for a rib?

Sucking chocolate off the peanuts!

State patrol came up behind man speeding. Man went faster, faster FASTER, soon topped 100 miles per hour. Old pick-up wouldn’t go any faster & he forced him over. Patrol: Why did you run away so fast? Man: Well, my wife ran off with a State Patrolman last week and I was afraid you were bringing her back!

The “performance/song/message” wasn’t half bad! It was ALL bad!

Plumber to MD. I didn’t make this much money either when I was a medical doctor

Husband eating dinner to new bride who said she could only make two dishes, “Chicken Pot Pie” & “Peanut butter pie”: “Which is this?”

Man asked girl to marry, said no more, When asked about it, he said: “I’ve said too much already!”

Been baptized in lemon and pickle juice

Been baptized so many times down at the creek the fish and frogs say “Hi” when they see you coming! Married people are like flies clustered on a Summer Screen door: Some are on the outside trying to get in, Others are on the inside trying to get out!!!

Snail riding on turtles says: WHEE! Flea riding elephant across swinging rope bridge: “We sure made her swing didn’t we?”

Some Husbands are not Wise! Wife: Do you think I’m fat? Husband: Compared to what? Wife: Is she prettier than me? Husband: Not really Wife: Do I look as young as I did when we got married? I suppose so! Wife: Do I have a sexy figure? Husband: Some would say so! Wife: Am I the most beautiful woman in the world? Husband: Well, truthfully dear, I really haven’t seen all the women in the world! Wife: Am I the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen? Husband: Well, truthfully dear, I don‘t remember as well as I used to! Wife: Does this dress look good on me? Husband: Compared to who? Wife: Do I still make your heart pound? Husband: Every time pour drive? Wife: Do I still make your heart burn? Husband: Every time I eat your cookin‘? Wife: If you could do it all over again, would you still marry me? Husband: Did I tell you your Mother called? If you could have any woman in the world.

Mother-in-law kissing daughter’s cheek-skin from his butt.

My Dad prayed so long: Gravy had a film of grease on top. I was 12 years old and went to stay with some relatives before I realized mashed potatoes weren’t crusty Dad always prayed for missionaries, I learned more geography during prayer than in geography class.